+ Her Barefoot Heart

Tag: mother daughter relationship (Page 2 of 2)

i always said i was gonna’, day 10 (on 11)

i always said i was gonna’ take some little road trips all by myself, and well bless goodness if i didn’t just up and do it yesterday – and i wound up walking on holy ground . . .

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i always said i was gonna’ just pull over and take pictures. i’ll admit to being a teensy bit worried about whether mother’s dainty little sedan could take pulling over on these country roads, but you know that ole’ girl did just fine. i believe she’s got an inner suv that had itself a big ole’ time.

now my boy kipp and i call them story (STOW ree) houses cause they just conjure up the storyteller in us, and we always said that one day we’re gonna’ just stop and take pictures when we see one. well, i started without you, kipp:
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i’d no doubt be telling completely different stories if i’d ever had to pick cotton:
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to prove i was where i said i was:
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“i ‘spect people picked at him on account of the way he dressed,” whispered blondell. “i got a cousin just like that,” i told her. “his mama didn’t have any more sense than to bring him down from new jersey dressed in linen shorts, knee socks, and a little ole’ beanie cap to match. he’s episcopalian now.”
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a chunk of boo radley’s tree. the knot hole’s down in the gift shop. they sell chewing gum out of it.
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a juror’s chair. i tend to believe blondell when she says this is the original seat.
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me. sitting in the witness chair. (yes, of course i took the fifth.)
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the witness spittoon. “can you imagine,” blondell asked me, “spittin’ in public RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE?” i could not.
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the courtroom itself from the public entry:
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and finally, the picture de resistance snapped by me. sitting in the judge’s chair. you knew i’d do it, didn’t you?
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she’s no mind reader, day 9

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“did you melt butter to use to make the toast?”

“well, yes,” she says. “i can’t get the stick butter to spread.”

me? i just whack a slice off and lay it on the bread, content to let the oven do the melting, and at this moment, i realize that the food mother prepares tastes sooooo good because she takes time to do the little things like melting the butter for making toast.

and i think that’s a significant difference worth noting: my mother cooks with love.

over breakfast, mother tells my teenage nephew who’s visiting for a few days, “jeanne took a picture of butter so she could write about how ridiculous i am to melt butter before making toast.”

and with that, my friends, we see once again that i choose my words and actions, and she chooses her interpretation of them.

and vice versa.

humpy dumpty’s press agent: day 8

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mother pays a bit attention to appearance than i do (you’ve seen the videos, so you know i’m telling the truth) a difference that was made apparent at breakfast this morning . . .

when we sat down to eat, i said, “this sure does look good.” as i raised my fork to eat, i noticed that the fried egg had broken during the cooking process, so i went to fetch my camera cause i take pictures of whatever strikes my fancy with the thought that i never know what kind of picture i’ll need to go with a post. when i sat back down and she saw me raise the camera, she laughed and said, “oh no you don’t, you stinker” and reached over to put a couple of pieces of toast over the egg.

“mother, i like it and i want a picture of it,” i said, (it sounds a lot whinier when i write it than it did when i said it) moving the toast back to the side of the plate.

“no,” she said, the smile fading. “no, you don’t,” and she moved the toast back on top of the egg.

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i once again moved the toast to edge of the plate and quickly took my picture.

then

i put two pieces of toast over the eggs and snapped a picture of that.

“there,” i said. “how’s that?”

“that’s better,” she said, her smile returning. “and you have to promise to use my picture, too, if you write about this.”

then we ate.

and i did.

a month with my mother: day 6

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today i am thinking that sometimes receiving is itself a gift.

and i wonder why feeling needy
every once in a while
is such a vile thing.

answers are hatching, but
more incubation time is needed.

so many things are
washing up on the beach
during this month with my mother.

some i bring in and ponder.
other things i toss back into the ocean.

to those who took the time to reassure me, thank you.
you are salve to my soul.

of beaches and bars: day 5

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i’m feeling too exposed to do a video tonight.
tired, overly vulnerable
from being seen.

today
i think about being transparent.

trans.
parent.
easily seen through.

today i think about how the prefix “trans” means across, over, beyond.

i think about how doing the videos
went over and beyond
writing a travelogue about
how mother and i spend our days.
about how much safer the travelogue would’ve been.

i think about beauty
– i mean all kinds of beauty –
and lack thereof
if there is such a thing.

i think some more about being seen.
i think about how tired i am of thinking.

my children think nothing of posting their photos and videos all over the vast landscape of the internet. but for me to do a video was, well, it sure feels like a big – i mean really big – risk.

do i embarrass my kids?
not the funny-these-are-the-times-you’ll-remember-one-day
embarrassment
but the soul-twisting, i-won’t-be-home-for-thanksgiving-for-the-next-27-years
embarrassment.

i remind myself that it’s time i live
– that i do, in fact, live –
outside the opinions, perspectives, reactions, and comments of others.
i tell myself that other people are interested and intrigued
by their own interests
and how that has nothing to do with me,
but this is one of those days
when it all sounds like
blah blah blah blah blah.

i feel vulnerable.
more than a little exposed
and scared.
downright, flat-out scared.

i am not pretty.
my hair needs to be cut.
i am overweight.
will people still like me?
talk to me?
want to be around me?

i obviously have no studio
no 3-point lighting.
and omg: that breezy beach so-called backdrop.
will people label me as cheesy? an idiot?

i tell stories about my mother
tell them with a southern accent.
will people call me a hick
and dismiss me
as having no depth or intelligence?

i share humorous stories
or maybe not so humorous, depending.
will others think i’m being disrespectful to my mother?

i consider laughter my religion,
finding humor an entertaining and valuable way
to deliver worthwhile messages
and navigate tricky relationship terrain.
i would hike up and down the world
swim in and out of clouds
tromp across oceans
and skip across mountaintops
championing the value of humor
but
is there really anything i
can do or say
to convince people that there humor can
be both sizzle and steak?

and as much as i know the value of humor,
as much as i enjoy cajoling laughter from those around me,
will i be branded worthless
even when and if i write something with my serious ink?

A Month With My Mother, Day 3

why on earth didn’t somebody tell me that my mouth was having trouble keeping up with my words? good lord. that’s kinda’ like having lipstick on your teeth or leaving the bathroom with your skirt tucked up in your panties. well, hopefully, it’s fixed now. which is why day 3 is going up on day 4.

i had a lot to learn.

and buy. . .

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i’m still doing the old perfect protest.

my day, in 1 (well, 5 actually) sense(s) of the word

what i saw:

this picture of my mother taken last summer. i was driving the boat. i think it’s easy to see why i ran into that dock.

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what i tasted:

crispy, crispy, crispy bacon done just right. wasn’t burnt, didn’t move when i picked it up.

 

what i heard:

laughter.

lots and lots and lots of laughter – my sides required ben gay –  as my brother and i visited our own special planet and conjured up images and tales of a gang of 3 geese who are bad to the bone . . . i mean, feather.

i guess you had to be there.

 

what i felt:

the cool, smooth silk hand-dyed by my talented friend glennis.

 

what i smelled:

my leftover christmas candle burning. who says sugar cookie scent is seasonal?

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