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i’m feeling too exposed to do a video tonight.
tired, overly vulnerable
from being seen.

today
i think about being transparent.

trans.
parent.
easily seen through.

today i think about how the prefix “trans” means across, over, beyond.

i think about how doing the videos
went over and beyond
writing a travelogue about
how mother and i spend our days.
about how much safer the travelogue would’ve been.

i think about beauty
– i mean all kinds of beauty –
and lack thereof
if there is such a thing.

i think some more about being seen.
i think about how tired i am of thinking.

my children think nothing of posting their photos and videos all over the vast landscape of the internet. but for me to do a video was, well, it sure feels like a big – i mean really big – risk.

do i embarrass my kids?
not the funny-these-are-the-times-you’ll-remember-one-day
embarrassment
but the soul-twisting, i-won’t-be-home-for-thanksgiving-for-the-next-27-years
embarrassment.

i remind myself that it’s time i live
– that i do, in fact, live –
outside the opinions, perspectives, reactions, and comments of others.
i tell myself that other people are interested and intrigued
by their own interests
and how that has nothing to do with me,
but this is one of those days
when it all sounds like
blah blah blah blah blah.

i feel vulnerable.
more than a little exposed
and scared.
downright, flat-out scared.

i am not pretty.
my hair needs to be cut.
i am overweight.
will people still like me?
talk to me?
want to be around me?

i obviously have no studio
no 3-point lighting.
and omg: that breezy beach so-called backdrop.
will people label me as cheesy? an idiot?

i tell stories about my mother
tell them with a southern accent.
will people call me a hick
and dismiss me
as having no depth or intelligence?

i share humorous stories
or maybe not so humorous, depending.
will others think i’m being disrespectful to my mother?

i consider laughter my religion,
finding humor an entertaining and valuable way
to deliver worthwhile messages
and navigate tricky relationship terrain.
i would hike up and down the world
swim in and out of clouds
tromp across oceans
and skip across mountaintops
championing the value of humor
but
is there really anything i
can do or say
to convince people that there humor can
be both sizzle and steak?

and as much as i know the value of humor,
as much as i enjoy cajoling laughter from those around me,
will i be branded worthless
even when and if i write something with my serious ink?