So last night we reminisced over 2 glasses of wine, answering the question: What would I do differently. Tonight we had pretty much the same conversation over a couple of mint juleps (pronounced mint jewel-lips, of course), and while I can’t remember much of what He said, I can assure you that if I had it to do over again, I’d start by being an only child. I’d lose weight by adding at least 3 inches to my height, and I’d quit trying to fit a Southern girl into a California dress cause while I might be able to squeeze into it, it just doesn’t look that good on me.

I would eat only what I want to eat – oh wait, I already do that.

I would install an emergency tiara in every room in my house. (I have one I’m taking to WDS cause you just never know.) I would outlaw stupidity – you’re welcome – and coloring books would have one little ole’ bitty line. The rest would be up to you.

I would make all the cell phone companies tell the truth, play nice with their towers, and deduct $5 and apologize for each dropped call.

I would stop this nonsense about sports and science being the end-all of all end-alls, lording over the arts. There’d be no more cutting the arts first again, ever.

I’d bring back stocks for the public embarrassment factor, employing behavior modification in hopes that people would start behaving themselves better. It would be ever so much cheaper than putting them in prisons, me thinks, but let me be real clear about this: people who harm and abuse others would skip the stocks and go straight to prison. Period.

I would make ice cream a food group.

When one country tries to strong-arm another, meddling in affairs that don’t concern them, I’d make the leaders don uniforms and duke it out before starting a war and sending innocent people smack into harm’s way. I’m considering sending the families of the world leaders – and I mean ALL world leaders – with them cause I think that’d make everybody stop and think before they shoot off their mouths and their pisspoor attitudes. Might help them mind their own damn business, too.

I’d require every single person to do something nice for somebody else at least once a week cause call me old-fashioned, but I think it’s healthy and good for everybody concerned. And though I feel kinda’ silly saying it, I’d trust everybody to commit this kindness (planned or random, your choice) without supervision or fear of penalty. Trust. What a concept, eh?

I’d bring back manners – nothing fancy, just your garden variety basic “please” and “thank you,” and I’d give bonus points to those who read and commit a poem to memory and dance a jig or sing a song at least once a week.

Obviously what I’m really saying is (in my very best Southern accent): Sugar, if I had it to do all over again, I’d be Your Highness, the Potentate Herself Overall.

Or something like that.