this is the woman i want to be:
a woman who breaks out in vibrant glory
regardless of the season
or of the colors that surround her.
Archive for » July, 2010 «
Jul
28
Jul
23
i’ve been dreaming lately.
i love it when i do that.
i’m still trying to decipher some of them.
like the one 2 nights ago about eyebrows.
yes, eyebrows.
eyebrows: hair that protects the eyes by acting as an umbrella, barring entry to would-be vision villains like sweat and dandruff and rain.
eyebrows: those hairy communication tools that are so supportive in strengthening expressions like surprise and anger and disapproval.
i spent the entire dream plucking my eyebrows, and let me tell you: i was giddy with glee having thinned my overpopulated brows and rid my face of strays and runaways.
am i freeing my vision?
altering the way i see things?
getting rid of the superfluous without erasing the necessary?
or do i need/want to pay more attention to my physical appearance?
or maybe get my eyes checked?
(i’m never more indecisive than when it comes to interpreting dreams.)
i spent last night’s dreamtime preserving – funneling hot, gooey, colorful future nourishment through metal wide-mouthed funnels into scalded bell jars.
again, i was giddy with happiness.
honestly, i’d kinda’ hoped for something a little saucier to write about in my dream journal this morning after seeing the movie “inception” yesterday. but no, i just ladeled food into glass jars all night long.
but still, there’s much to chew on . . .
summers spent in my grandmother’s kitchen peeling, boiling, stirring, ladeling. the summer my sister and mother joined me at our farm. we picked pears off the tree that morning and by bedtime, we had jars and jars filled with pear preserves – the best i’ve ever tasted.
is this a dream about memories? i can’t think of a single word or incident in my entire yesterday that would’ve triggered a dream about summertime memories.
women providing sustenance for the winter – is there a message there?
is this a harbinger of famine?
a call to focus (my f-word) and funnel?
sigh.
for me, dream interpretation is best left to the dark early hours, those marvelous, magical hours when anything – anything at all – is possible. my life has been so different in those hours. i am such a different person in those hours.
then the sun makes its presence known, and the magic melts away, though i’m no longer sure why it has to.
Jul
03
Questions Before Dark
Day ends, and before sleep
when the sky dies down, consider
your altered state: has this day
changed you? Are the corners
sharper or rounded off? Did you
live with death? make decisions
that quieted? Find one clear word
that fit? At the sun’s midpoint
did you notice a pitch of absence,
bewilderment that invites
the possible? What did you learn
from things you dropped and picked up
and dropped again? Did you set a straw
parallel to the river, let the flow
carry you downstream?
~ Jeanne Lohmann
(can we pretend that her last name is pronounced “hewell-chambers”, just for tonight?)
Jul
02
they’re never on my packing list,
but i never leave home without them . . .
hot flash strikes.
out of the blue
no warning
no discernible trigger
just the teensiest little ole’ warning i’ve come to recognize
from paying close attention to myself:
nanoseconds before a hot flash arrives
i can breath more clearly.
my breathing passages just flat-out open up
heralding the arrival of
the intense heat that spreads rapidly through my body,
not discriminating against any one particular area.
i feel like i’ve just been wrapped in plastic wrap -
not the kind you buy in the store -
this plastic wrap sticks.
no air can get to me.
moments before, i could breathe expansively
now i can’t breathe at all.
while my brain races
frantically looking for an exit sign,
my body quietly points to the exist sign
and my brain calms down,
settles in.
i toss out the dismissive, overused phrase “this too shall pass”
replacing it with
“more women than i can count have survived hot flashes. i will be fine.”
then i tune in and notice my body like never before.
this amazing body
that has long been a source of embarrassment
instead of a place of refuge and strength.
on any given day and for far too many years
i scold it, scoff at it, ignore it.
and now, during this wildfire,
i find my way to appreciation.
breath holds my hand
until the hot flash recedes,
regrouping for next time
it will show up unannounced and uninvited
to beam me into my body,
into the present.
~~~~~
This post was birthed by my participation in Bindu Wile’s 21.5.800 project, and (even though it’s officially ended) Dian’s Self Evidence project (self-awareness).
also penning stories here
